I’m motoring to work, Incident on 57th Street playing on my 72 speaker system. I’m going over in my head the exciting challenges I might face on this glorious day excited knowing I am almost there. Suddenly this idiot in a BMW decides he has a better use for the lane I am driving in. I’m not sure if he was on his cell phone, twittering or adjusting the few strands of hair he had left but his eyes were not on the road.
This presents me with a quandary. I could just slam into the back of his car but I don’t really like paying for cars that I don’t own. I’m not really that thrilled about paying for the ones I do. If I had a 71 Mercury or something that would do a lot of damage I would choose that option. Back in the day I had cars that would crush his little BMW. The car I have now would probably crumble like the Dallas Cowboys in December.
You have to think fast in these situations. You have about 3 seconds to react. All at once you have to drop your newspaper, coffee, razor and cell phone, press on the horn, give the guy the number one salute and figure out how to slow your car down. All that because of a distracted driver, they need to get them off the road.
Slamming on the brakes didn’t seem like the best option it would only make a loud skidding noise followed by an equal and opposite loud bang. It would seem like forever before the cop who got the short straw came to take my information. I’d have to call my brother-in-law insurance agent. He’d want me to apologize for missing his wedding and the birth of his first 8 kids. Hey I was busy.
I decided it’d be better to take evasive action. I quickly turned my wheels to the right narrowly missing this kid and his girlfriend walking hand-in-hand together. Oh how cute!
You can’t really slam on your brakes and make a hard right turn into a business almost hitting two people without acting like you really meant to go there. It could be embarrassing you could wind up on you-tube or something. I had no choice I had to make a big purchase. I could have just bought a cup of Joe and a donut but everyone is looking at me like man you really wanted to come here. I had to make it look good.
I walked in with my blackberry glued to my ear acting as though I was real important talking about some hot stock and people were writing it down. I may have turned the economy around at Dunkin Donuts. I yelling and screaming and flailing my arms. I don’t even have service on that phone. I told my imaginary friend to hold while I ordered a cup of go juice and a boat load of donuts.
My imaginary friend spends a lot of time on hold. At least he doesn’t argue too much. You know you’re having a bad day when you fight with your imaginary friend. Kind of like when you argue with your GPS. People ask why you’re grumpy and act like they care. They stand around the water cooler and whisper stay away from him today he woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
People get a little testy when they are in line and you don’t know the names of all the different donuts the place has to offer. They got the old standbys, glazed, frosted, the ones with sprinkles on them. Some have more sugar then you know you should have and some I am not really sure what they did to them. I probably could have caused a riot if I asked to see the nutritional information. My imaginary friend told me not to over think the situation and just ask for a variety. Great now I am going to be thinking about this all day wondering if I over think things.
I contemplated whether it might sound better if I said my imaginary friend was a she, or if my imaginary friend is a he should I tell people it was a she. I like to challenge my shrink with questions like is it better to have a male or female imaginary friend. You get your money’s worth if you come up with a lot of questions your shrink can’t answer. After a few good ones they are sitting on the couch and I have the notepad. I like the leather ones, I take them with me when I leave. No sense taking the same things you can take at work. The pens are usually pretty nice too. I need to find a shrink with my initials. I get tired of explaining why my leather portfolio has someone else’s initials on it. I get referred to other doctors quite often. I send my shrink to other shrinks. For the life of me I don’t know why.
Oh yeah where was I? My shrink says my mind wanders a lot. Can you have an imaginary shrink? Your real shrink would probably be troubled if you told him about your imaginary shrink who you tell about your imaginary friend.
Anyway to make a short story long, thanks to the guy in the BMW, I sprung for a few donuts. Well that’s not entirely true my imaginary friend said he’s good for half of them. You can find them in the break room upstairs.
While you’re enjoying your donut you could drop by this website and think about making a donation to my 150 bike ride for Multiple Sclerosis. This will be my 10th ride and I am getting to old for this.
http://main.nationalmssociety.org/goto/vortexrider911
The National Multiple Sclerosis society takes cash and checks too. Even though that is so 90s.
Thanks
Tom Kelly
